Life is a taciturn mother, and teaches not so much by instruction as by blows...
All of us---parents, lovers,teachers, and friends potential sowers of seed ideas in the lives of other people---need to be more alert and aware of our grave responsibilities at these formative times...
" Man is a stream whose source is hidden...Always our being is descending into us from we know not what." R.W. Emerson
It's that time of year--the fireplace comes to mind--and all that goes with it--I know everybody keeps telling me I don't need to clean the chimney out so often--but I do it my way anyway--I clean it out about once a month--why just for safety sake--both the fireplace and the heater pipes--if you drive around our area most of the time you fined a place that caught fire and burned down to the ground...usually not just half way but gone--I can't do it myself now so I have to have it done--and most of the time I wonder if it's done the way I would do it--who knows--all I know is I've been doing it for years like some where close to 35 years and the house and I'm still here...so I'll probably keep the same schedule--now the woodpile--is in the wood shed
Got up this morning and my son had sent me a e-mail about Robert Plant--and it was a site to go to with the rendition of Stairway to Heaven by Annie and Nancy Wilson--I know this doesn't sound like much but what memories...what power not exactly just in the song but the way they carried it out--almost to extreme to the point where emotions tingle--and soul searching became a reality---much more than a wake-up call...almost like the beginning of a new day...the start of new ways--a chance at a bunch of new feelings...
What I can't get use to is having front page news blasted at me every day--from my own computer--it's like I've got this down side of me following me home...when I was youngerI read the newspapers just about everyday--which sort of jump started what I hoped would be a good day--off-- all wrong..why does all the news that seems important always so bad or down--is there nothing that can interest us that's not horrendous--it almost makes me want to turn that part of my computer off--unless they find some good surf to say--it just get to be too much--even though I get hooked just like every body else by the headings which must be written by some heavy duty--catch phrase writers...
Just took a shower in the middle of the day--wow--is not a good word to explain how I feel but before I was sort of down and out--having to go over with a step son how i didn't think it was a good idea for him to come back to the house and live again...how I feel about is I don't want to end the rest of my days feeling the way I did before his mother died--gross right--but that's the way I feel and getting into a conversation that wasn't going to go his way makes me feel awful--why is it conversation that are important makes me get the shakes...I have thoughts on it and can figure it out but it really takes some soul searching like it involves "mental surfacing"--going down or up depending what corners and borders I have to go through..Breaking off relationships is not a happy ending type of thing-except in the case where you know it will do the other person.."good"--or you think it would because you know it not going to do you any good...
Sometimes it makes sense to say what you feel--and not let it run around in circles and cause all kinds of trouble in your head--so you have to look at things through depression..and I'm also tired of doing that--once and a while my brain goes in overload...and I get to where hearing anything pushes me to a limit..what do I do--I don't act like I have much sense...maybe doing a little yelling, or taking it out on those around me--by being a tiny bit disagreeable..or being grumpy to the animals.. or yelling when I drop something--or being up tight when I should just let it slid...no can do I'm just not made that way and I don't think a lot of people are made that way either...you have to get your feelings in order--know what you have to do to let off steam...I know a lot of it isn't going to be simple--but you have to keep it in perspective...if you don't you be wasting yourself in areas where you aren't going to be doing anybody any good but mainly yourself...and that's who I'm interested in when I need to keep a hold on myself--it's like watching an idiot do his wrong things on the most stupid program on T.V.--the battle of self-assertion and submission...from my instinctive nature...self regarded..exposure...in self-conscious reflection...in other words I creep along the paths of my world in deep do-do--crawling on my knees wanting to be cared for and looked after...some could call this psychological bull shit--and really that what it amounts up to--most people today are into to much to care what others are feeling--and if they have to help others--and there are few people who take this upon themselves--they recent it before they are finish because it has taken them away from their own games--and they realize they now have a dependent--grade "A"--for being helpful and "dumb ass" for thinking they could help...(U..S.) have we helped any country that's been grateful...maybe our problem is a national disease--I wonder if the world is going to start thinking this Eboli thing is a type of self-cleansing...
And yet only by feeling deeply can we truly take in all life contradictions, tragic twists, the great joys which let us dare to live...
Some people pull the strings; the rest of the world have their strings pulled...
It's the details that sell a lie...
What's important is to admit it...
The cautious man survives...
For he was in his way a master of his art; he had dark places in his soul, and that is the very core of art and it's substance...
Symptoms...
The human mind is the central domain of all faith…
Our complaints are trifles compared with the innumerable mistakes we make every day...
Children bear the consequences of their parents sins…
Every person has his own traitor within himself…
The human living stream--Brotherhood
Somehow I've always been able to best clarify my thoughts when alone in the mountains...
I had the feeling I was on a treadmill the soft earth running back beneath my thin tennis shoes, the nearness of my thoughts nothing but a cruel illusion on a painted backdrop...
My attitude had brought hard times and a pail of menace… During my unstable period, when I was shunted from school to school , and home to home, while my home life turned topsy turvy, and my mother came and went, mentally as well as physically, and the threat of being sent to live with my grandmother loomed, I found myself behind what sense I thought I had--as I grouped and grew --I watched for signs of anyone who showed or acknowledged experience with affection...
I claimed that I regretted being shut out of their camaraderie but any one could have told me that what I really missed was being the active center of attention...
Out here it's character that pays the bills or doesn't, because everything else is just about equal--Educated people are interested in differences...
Nature has no emotions, as man defines emotions...
But fantasies are easy to conjure, while reality is unchangeable...
Getting caught up in a rich man's scheme is worst than getting caught in a rich's man's dream...
The steady sound of noise brings silence it's due...
Wordsworth on poetry--"emotion recollected in tranquillity" a long contemplation of the experience gradually dispels the tranquillity and a kindred experience comes to occupy the mind--"In this mood"
says Wordsworth, "successful composition generally begins."
A novel invites us to be guided by our own imagination into a place we did not know, or shows us new vistas of a place we did not know well enough...
A great work takes it's own time for incubation….
Prayer and impulses---are movements of thoughts,within the mind of the one having prayers or impulses, along a definite line of meditation; that is, for a specific purpose...
I'm a solitudinarian…speculative project...
Disappointment requires expectations…
Selective inertia--the mediocrity of frustration...
My stepfather was a collection of sounds bound in human form by negative gloom...
I married a young lady and had no idea that for the next 40 years we would walk a path though that would lead through the lives of four other individuals--we had two children of our own--and we had two children of another person which came with my wife--life has left me with a problem--what is it--I'm still alive but alone--the last words that meant a lot tome because they were near the last from her lips---life is not fair---can you imagine how those words have left many thoughts--not that I can just throw them away--let them alone--their like a forward thrust--a point blank charge from a bullet--before it crashes into my heart--what does one say to oneself when confronted with such words--I still grapple with them..just about everyday--not every minute--but I do feel them dwelling in places that can at any moment arise and can make me feel like shit..am I guilty of something--do I feel I could have been a better person to my wife--yes…memories…welling up behind my thoughts and wiping away tears of depth from inside--holy cow--I sit in a quiet place and when I go back over what I thought life would be like it wasn't what we ended up with--she died of a cancer--the doctors couldn't believe how big it had become---and they gave her less time than I wanted--they gave my soul to time--moments that were so closed up in my heart--that everyone was not wasted--I tried to see through it all to when she would not be here but it didn't work--I tried to go beyond the cancer--one day she said I'm going to beat this thing and she quit eating on her own--no questions no warning--just charged ahead--I watched--I waited--the glow-- the life slowly faded--when I saw what was happening--and knew what the outcome would eventually be--the spark at those earlier words--what a disappointment--and that word has no meaning compared to what I felt--the emptiness--well let me say this--one side of the coin could be about birth of one of my kids (unreal) and on the other side--I had no idea--just down to earth--no account death…where does all that history go--where does all the life go--where does all the minutes and hours go--the blackness--the doubts--the joys --the sorrows--what does it all add up too..just another death and this one happens to be more important than the one before...
I learned a long time ago not to trust appearances...
If everyone who thought they were cheated by life got their due, the world would be a different place--and not necessarily a better one...
Explanation --a soul's research and development
There are no rules in Miami…
He knew my quirks well and was enough of a man to indulge them...
Whatever happened to amiable vulgarity...
Peace of mind is a powerful motivator--not to mention a necessity
Law takes no account of intentions
Pride makes up for the lack of money….sometimes
We all seek to attain something, only to find that from the very beginning there was nothing to attain...
She lacked morality but not decency...
Resistance breeds persistence...
Honor is man's invention...
One man's misfortune is another man's chance
Peace cannot be found by anyone who insists that his illusions are realities--and finds solace in drugs…
It can't be found by anyone who hides his despair behind frantic activities...
Soul-- bottom line --the end of the elevator's downwardness--the body is it's control center with the assistants of the brain at the controls--it's like those towers moving towers of power in Star Wars--the body through the brain waves (electrical currents (even liquid currents) charged so the least possible outside influences within our limits can be detected--either physically, mentally or sensorily (any where along the surface of the skin) it can be felt--we do have helpers a defense mechanism which if not stopped doing it's job--from bad habits of every description--mainly fueling up--we hinder what we could produce if we stayed within the limits of our bodies without pushing them past our good habit limits--for our body stile-if we don't pay attention to size and our body's structure and it's limits--we create bigger problems that have to be handle with a lot of unnatural side effects which could take over our lives and end them earlier than we'd like--two ways we get sick--inherited it--or entrance from the outside--of our bodies--if you are outside your body class--you are susceptible to whatever's out there you have what's called a weak condition--balance weight can't be beat--as far as longevity and comfort throughout the rest of your life--you can say youth is uphill--old age--which is what it is--face it--you got your body to this point in whatever shape its left with--(devils beating his wife--outside my window--raining and the suns out--) here's an example of the helpers of the body--you might call it the " Body Interference force "it looks like this--these are just the larger paths for bigger nerves--this does not include the smaller more numerous ones--the body needs no interference--it's capabilities far out do any thing that is capable of being compared to it--This is my friend--O-Be One Ka- No--bee--a receptive man--a receptor--an engaged circuit--always on and no off time--the initiator--
Rodney Collin--The theory of Celestial Influence
After all the years I been trying to pull away from the rush,the force, the power a city has over me--that's why I moved to the country--to get away from the madness needed to survive in day to day struggles--and problems one has to deal with living in close confines with every body else in a pressurised atmosphere where it's dog eat dog--and every body walking you better not make eye contact--because it's thought of as a weakness and an invitation of some kind--what got me started is the crap they're putting on my computer--like the shock headlines they used in what they use to call yellow journalism--how did I let it enter my house--I must not know the right combination to stop it on the computer--cause I do dwell on all the crap going on by just looking over the stuff--it's like they've been studying the things that I don't hold dear and bringing up all the junk that catches the eyes imagination and pulls you in--sucker you to click--and add more pure shit (sorry can't think of any better word for it) cause adding all the miseries of the world into my country atmosphere makes me irritable--all that people put up with for day to day living--isn't understandable--the pressure cooker--remember that--haven't we moved on--are we so caught in making life so complecated that we forgotten what real life is all about--I not going to get into what I think life should be all about--I lead my life and you lead yours--how we arrive in our comfort zones are to each and every one of us private as long as the end in sight is for each and every one of us comfort--well-being, and honor of having arrived--of being a person whose reached out in his life and come down to the point of knowing that at least he got his--or hers--and the benefits were gained by being ourselves--there is no good that comes from outside in--friendship maybe--honest to goodness friendship--no lies--no one up man ship--just a good common no none sense friend--where feelings abound and most words spoken are filled with meaning…look around you find someone that's accountable--it's hard isn't it--it maybe mission impossible--I can say this because I don't leave home any more--it's just not worth what I have to go through--to go out and expect something different--because if any thing--it's just gotten worse--more police--what does that tell you--huh--duh--higher prices--more junk--and T.V. you have to channel surf to ever find some thing worth the effort to watch--movies--need I say more--what point will bring people out so they can say look where are we going with all this crap leading us--more wars--more money--more and bigger things--it's like putting your soul in line to be crushed--life is a walk through of pain and disaster--you are left feeling at the end that you accomplished nothing--the feel for living and being involved in a purposeful life is no longer available--and don't give me this mombojumbo crap about helping others is the way out--or into life fulfillment because I wasn't born yesterday--you give and give and there is no-end to the takers--and this stuff about getting it all back--hey--start giving and you'll realize that all you had to do--is watch the what the government has been doing and notice that every body that been given to has come under the influence--of greed--and all they want is more--cold--world out there--when greed is recognized especially when people think they haven't got their due--the person in front of you is made out of nothing but cardboard--used cardboard--and can be treated as such--that's why kids in ghetto and foreign countries can gun down--beat up--and stomp the hell out of what ever is in front of them--that's why terrorist can blow up buildings that have thousands of people in them, that's why insurance companies want let you talk to people that have been injured, especially if they represent you, that's why prices keep going up, that's why there's no end to progress, the never ending search for the bigger and better life, that's why politicians are doing what we let them do, that's why T.V. folks do what they have begun doing even more, every thing is based on the system of only things are meaningful that come from the out side in--however friend--I wish to inform you--let it be--there is nothing out there worth the trouble of believing those lies--we become our worse and have been leading a life in "reverse psychology" we been hood winked--we've been lead to believe--we're up shit creek without a paddle--every where you turn eyes evade--the hearts are cold--the shoes are for stomping--feelings are in the past tense--our society is in despair--crumbling underneath it's foundations life has become heartless--the ground you walk may seem secure--life at times is starting to become an obscene joke--look at the pay of athletes--look at the never ending striving--for the upward prizes for top honors--but the joke is one which turns quickly bitter upon the mind, for a great and gratifying illusion has passed away, leaving the need for it still there…what am I living for..I have this human need to be respectful and responsible , but today in all this confusion I have lost the capacity to even consider what makes sense..contentment..satisfaction..a sense of the emptiness in life…how do we clarify illusions backed by illusions..how does one get out of what they created in greed--and need--when looked at from a perspective of distance life becomes less than the perfect experience…but since the consequences of life have become less momentous, then life itself became less momentous too, and I have discovered that the now lifted veil of mystery was that which made it potentially important as well as potentially terrible…living I've learned , is not so awesome as I once thought; mankind by his actions does not care so much about it as I was formerly led to believe; but neither, as a result, do we, mankind as a whole…life is becoming so accessible, so unmysterious, and so abused in carelessness that its value is now trivial…use it or lose it
Always a little play in me--practical joker--this thing about being there for somebody you love--it's hard to reach out to someone else--of course there's the selfish thing..of course there's the thing about am I getting through--and there's so much about whether it's been worth the effort--I get so caught up-- are they even listening--some people you really do want to help--words become so cheap they begin to feel like you're trying to manipulate someone --all you're doing is trying to persuade them over to your side of things--like you're trying to sell them something--like you're supposed to know what's good for someone else--Paths through life are not all the same for everybody--we're not all of us looking for the same sort of things--being raised in so many different ways--
Things fall apart,the center cannot hold,
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.. W. B. Yeats
We reach out when we're young--I look at those kids who have been in war torn areas..of course they've been left--who can face the possibility of death with others hanging on--I know about families sticking together and I know what's right and wrong--life has a way of slipping up on one--when without you knowing it--you find yourself on the other side of the good ways in life--not all things can be accounted for--every picture you see has been staged in one way or the other--every body is trying to reach as many people as they can--the more reached the more than likely they will be able to reach more the next time..again salesmanship--I do feel the impressions left by these photographs..I can possibly feel the torment coming from the kids and peoples eyes--why can't people realize their differences and halt the cruelty…you take someone battered and whose been through the hell of blast falling around them or shots fired--not knowing where or when another might fall--and who or if there are any casualties..family members or what--and bring them into a safe environment--I don't know folks--there will always be that feeling inside of them--are we not asking for more trouble--because you know life is not simple--it can reach out at times and leave you feeling like there may not be a tomorrow--and can you look in the eyes of someone else and explain to them what's going on…I'm not saying don't do anything…I'm not saying don't be ungrateful..I'm not saying don't share your good fortune..I am saying count your blessing..why do we as a nation have this incredible compassion to always look outside our own boundaries to do goodness…there's so much sorrow-at home--and yet we think people we don't know or even realize there backgrounds…and how different their customs, their up bringing and what we would offer could they comprehend--and yet we squander our money on kids lives, all the forces we have-- go where and to whom... we know nothing about if it gets there--how much of what we send anywhere gets to these people--greed--the many hands--whatever we send has to go through--most of it is squandered--or left in hands of people who have lived in deprivation and you think they don't have their favorites--who do you run around with in times of trouble--how do you react under pressure..I ask you..everybody--has their own agenda--and believe me under adverse condition everyone tightens the belt and begins to pull up stakes and folds inward--with friends surrounding them…can you imagine putting things in their hands--favoritism--enough..I hope you realize what I'm saying has anything to do with nice..I not being a pessimist-- face up to giving-know what you're doing..and make sure things given in the spirit you give…goes where it supposed to--how I wish I knew--but hopeful giving--has only made those in power--that much more powerful--the same way it has here--under only minor pressure of everyday living imagine what it would be like under fire--dog eat dog comes out every time--Mother Teresa's are few and far between--women are no more safe in a war torn areas than children--bombs and shots make no discrimination…
I am so glad I lived before this age of emptiness--destruction of values--for reference read Soren Kierkegaard, Friedrich Nietzsche, Franz Kafka, for some eye openers--Not trying to force more reading on you--but hey--get her done--loneliness, anxiety, tensions of everyday living, and dilemmas we confront in what ever we try to do…we are becoming so far from the center of our being--feelings have become so boring we compound our errors by wondering why we're not getting what we need from the world--we're always looking for what's not out there and never was--we're expecting--we're wanting and all this mens is we're lacking--"Revaluation of all values" --Nietzsche again--this is his formula for an act of ultimate self-examination by mankind…goals are no where to be found--every one goes off on different tangents--wondering or should I say floundering--the foundations we once observed with goals in mind--have left us--not wide awake--but only leaving vacant spots to be filled by other useless imaginings to be dug out from things around us--again in places where there are no answers worth their time and effort--
You can yourself back from the sufferings of the world, this is something you are free to do and is in accord with your nature, but perhaps precisely this holding back is the only suffering that you might be able to avoid…Franz Kafka
The disembodied of the self-false system--thank you Mr. R.D. Laing
A living toss'd person, pinned balled bouncing off tokened existence
My God, I mean myself…+++
My interest in books is finding ones that keep my mind focused on reading more-- that's why I involve the books I reading or have-within or as close as I can get it--to the name mentioned--reason being the order of my books system--it takes me awhile to go through the whole library or if I've narrowed it down to a general location--it will be soon--otherwise it's just another hit or mis subject--or target--like hunting--like living--like believing--or having faith--more or less like the proof is in the pudding
July 15, 2014--at 109:15 afternoon--Joy is the by-product of obedience
The Perfectibility of Man--John Arthur Passmore--+++ (of intellectual curiosity if you want to be near the angels) +++
This book will let you know which gray cells of yours is clicking and whether they're all being used properly--computerized--and formulated towards your good will--and development
I guess one could think that what I read depended where I found it- and when I found it--was a help--did I just pass and pull it for the title or the author's names--I might have recognized it--pulled it and laid it on top of books I was bringing in and thought I would look it over and if something in the book caught my imagination I place i an area I frequented when in a reading mood--so it has nothing to do with anything except my personal interest at that moment in time…and my random picking--
What I read and why--no good reason--that could give anyone an idea--what catagories were open to me again--I'll read whatever and know almost immediately whether I'll continue--I don't always give books second chances--if you ever want to know what curiosity killed the cat means and you need a little help remembering get a kitten--and enjoy--and spend something time watching it--
Our lives are at stake--the hour is very late, and the choice of good and evil knocks constantly at our door….
I have said the modern man, and especially the modern American, however mucw-how" he may have, has very little "know-what"….Norbert Wiener--The human use of Human Beings
He made death natural, but it could be said that life defeated his efforts to understand it..
Most of the Russian writers are so heavy--they seem to be writing under great pressure I feel like I need to wear weights on my eyebrows every time I start to read them--maybe hunch my shoulders a little bit more--women beware--they are so heavy I always think they're writing to men only--who knows
My holy of holies is the human body, health, intelligence, talent, inspiration, love, and absolute freedom---freedom form violence and falsehood, no matter how the last two manifest themselves… Anton Pavlovich Chekhov
This boy born in the meanest of Russian society manages to make his way into what E.M. Forster happily describes as " the aristocracy of considerate, the sensitive, and the plucky."His wording and his control of his thoughts lead one back into past feelings and genteelness on matters of selected importance to individuals when in company--the descriptions are eloquent and encourage thoughtfulness--enjoy if you've never experienced this gentleman..remember he's Russian
Ever wonder way out there and begin to think it would be nice not to return--the mind can lead to many frustrations if one let's it--let's get one thing straight--what you do --you do--I believe you're even responsible for your rumors--you exist and therefore you reap or reek--and you leave evidence of yourself--in what ever capacity..might consider it spore stuff--I remember siting in class just before summer school looking out the windows not paying any mind to class and the teacher would call my name for some stupid reason--mainly to bring me back into whatever was happening--and just the disturbance--pulling me back was enough to let me know I was in the wrong place at the right time..usually this episode not only caused a mental block for the rest of the day--it lasted for several days beyond what I would consider relevant to my well being…enter the the developments of neurophysiologists carrying their electrodes and amplifiers--and a new conception of natural daydreaming emerges
If you live alone like I do--kitchen time is not one of my fa--vor--ites I make sure that whatever time I'm in the kitchen that it ends clean and therefore it starts out clean--when coming up with something to eat I not really looking for the most delicious food in the world something just something flavorful and filling--I always have a sweet for dessert at the end to cap off what ever space the meal I ate didn't fill--so when I think of food I always go back to the slow cooker book--can't be beat--for a home body--the meals are done in one-dish and they can be elaborate or on the shy side as far as a lot of stuff--involved--I prefer beans and a bread--an excellent bread--whatever makes my boat that day--bread choices have to be planned for pick-up I'm not a good bread maker and don't like to spend the time involved--have other things to do--so buying is a necessity--shopping has to be planned..I hate feeling deprived because I'm alone--i could go out and eat--I live a good ways from any where--at least 30 minutes away from anything and I'm a home body--the time involved going and coming not to mention the getting dressed
and maybe even a bath--I have to get ready and the time it takes I become not interested very quickly so the above book comes to the rescue and believe some of the plainest meals are my best but it depends on the bread and butter mixes--a good cup of coffee goes down well also with the dessert--and the desserts usually a little Debby pack--or some thing as simple as a piece of Mrs. Edwards pie--key lime or lemon--or if I'm splurging pecan..I have my groceries brought in--I want people who shop for me to enjoy it--I don't want a hurry up shopper--the type that make substitutes on their own--it doesn't do what I want any good--to not get what I requested…it sort of screws my day up---and one thing I appreciate is my days and i don't want them spoiled because someone else makes a mistake--I can mess up my days all by myself I don't need any help thank you
No comments:
Post a Comment