Started a relationship with women I knew in High School we're both in our 70's and it was a total wakeup call for me--really wanted to give it a go--she lived in the city and I live a good hour and a half away from her in the country--I have complication such as a walker--and old age stuff--wrong with me--she was nice enough but the more I got in touch the more complications came up so I decided to go at some exercises--and see if I could get off the walker and stumble around better on my own and maybe get down to see her--but the more I exercise the more I knew I was going to have to work at it..so I 'm working on it--and the more I works on it the more I want to keep it up--I'm thinking I would like to see myself in a couple of months when I keep it up..trying to do pull-ups and will add different things as I feel the need--or if I can add them without straining anything in the meantime--I increase the times I do it daily...started out one time a day now I'm going in for three times daily...
Something in my chest reversed itself in a sympathetic reaction--but I ruthlessly forced it away--
I wasn't sure I regretted that I had pushed my emotion so completely aside, and it was that lack of regret that caused my concern..Perhaps I had lost something vital, some spark of life and warmth, and empathy that had been extinguished by my betrayal of my vows,my family, and the subsequent lies, Could a man's heart, his soul, persist and yet leave him walking and talking as if alive...
Calm before the storm--I can't believe the way they let people destroy property----this thing in Ferguson is way out of hand--I'm sorry if you don't feel that way--the killing of any youth is a shame--but look at what we re doing in the military----all the youth being killed and yet not even in this country--or for the saving of something in this country--we have no right fighting in other countries--expending our youth for what--there's no way you can give me the right answer--don't even try--people destroying things buildings and fire and not being co-operative in that town should have been stopped a long time ago--no matter what it took --it's no difference than Watts years ago--yea you can say it's black and white all over again--but it's not it's people--not having anything else to do--boredom--not having a life--not getting what they think they deserve--I'm white O. K. just so you think you know where I'm coming from--but you don't--no one knows what others think--but to me this stuff reminds me of Rambo--
The holidays are upon us--this year as all the last couple of years it's just gimme, gimme, all you an--I want this and I want that--no consideration for what it's all about--and who cares anyway--as long as most of the stuff under the tree--is for me--the feelings I get around Christmas--are so out of it now--I embarrassed to even think about it--especially when I see all the unkindness, war, our servicemen over seas--doing God only knows what--and for what--
Why do I think anything matters when everything that's gong on now isn't worth a crap--I hate when there's dying going on around the world--sickness , war, poverty, stupid stuff--warlords--tribal warfare, children, old folks, war time heroes,what have you--this time of year--the weather turning cold--the indians had it right--didn't fight at night--stayed home or around the camp most of the time--
Do you still think--with a fresh mind--completely forgetting truths seem to be the last consideration to enter into people's motives in everyday life and conduct---and yet they express the simple and inescapable 'Law of Life"sort of like telling 'you' --better straighten now or---With what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again...folks the law of retribution--is far and away better than any laws of the land--there's no getting away--you are or you are not guilty--people are apt to thick , especially when they are strongly tempted , that they can probably escape the law of the land, outrun the police, or slip through the clutches of authority in some other way..they hope that individuals will forgive them,or else be powerless to revenge their actions; or that the thing will blow over, or, better still, that they will never be caught...the law of gravity never relinquish's anything--not compassionate nor vindictive--Law of retribution and law of gravity--are one and you just don't know it--scary--to me at least--did someone mention this to me when I was goring up and I just damn well didn't hear them or I wasn't paying enough attention--or maybe I wash't there in more ways than one--looking out the window most likely...water is natural--sooner or later it will find it's own level--all the law of life are included in to top Law of Life--foundation wise--the law Nature--look it's not easy to decide for your self that from now own you're going to take your life up truthfully another step--it means all manner changes, some costly and not only about money--the changes we're talking about come from the inner--outer types-- like inner motivations--and by the way how's your inner disposition--it's mood affects your living to a degree--there are things that come up two ways of looking at them--positive to your life or negative to your life--do the right thing and you co-operate with life's forces...in other words get in the current with his thoughts--and redirect his inner life to more positive channels--worth is gained day to day--in other words what you are doing is stumbling into your path of life--Truth expands my friend--in all of living--the peth of your life, the way to your wisdom, the way planned is before you--it's out there--Everybody that loves us wants us to find--we are stepping into the current of our life, --thought , will , and desire--towards Nature--goodness is every where--thinking positively we attract--"All these things shall be added unto you".
Meaning--what--our inner selfish being directed towards positiveness in life --light at the end of the tunnel----Darkness results in a merry-go-round--endless wandering--among lose ends--whereas positive steps--with inner light--increases every day---invigorating--a cold shower--an awakening--
Why is it when certain men and women--get near me--I feel my heart quicken and my blood expanding..like I'm being spread out---How do you exert your known influence...
A spook --a free wit--one whose out there on the fringes--looking over the blaze--and what left over from them that's got--'s--I waiting on the fruit from Texas--oranges --grapefruit--looking forward to it--matter of fact I pissed it ain't here--yet--just gave out of my yogurt today--I order it 12 at a time--pints--have it shipped right to my door--wonder if I could have fruit delivered to me--
I don't select these subjects I feel my way into them--tonight I'm on a high because I talked to another person that i can help --I think--she's someone who has become dear to me--strange how that word can mean so much--I thought I 'd never be involved again--I 'm not talking about sexual love --I mean I want stop it if it comes to that--I am saying it doesn't have to--Have you ever just wanted to live with someone--not for any reason--but maybe brotherly love and sharing their life--where all is well back in a family atmosphere--well that to me is one of the most important things now--being with someone you care for--and feeling your way through the rest of your life--with someone by your side--and you by there's--I think she has a lot of miss givings--because of other relationships--hope not and if so maybe by knowing me we can overcome what ever reluctance may be there--hope so...sort of counting on it--thanks for this day
Going to be thinking about you folks in the next few days--stay warm--have a nice warm toddy--or some good old hot chocolate--with a bunch of marshmallows--the cold seems to be headed our way--the sky right now is clear-wids are picking up and seem to be getting stronger--but with this clear sky tonight has to drop down--right now it's about 57 degrees at 2:24 in the afternoon--
Still sweating the holidays--I can't believe it's--Nov. 11 2014--i've been tying to order cakes--and cookies and all the sweets I going too need during the holidays--things that I had when I was young--like a Devils food CAKE with Marshmellow--icing--lemon Cheese Cake with lemon filling--and a Black Forest Cake--ow--my stomach--
I have grandkids and I have had kids--my own and someone else's--so I feel like I've been through it--that is with kids and not all have been happy--but they are still alive--and out in the world--are they doing well not like the Bushes kids--just simple kids out scrambling like any other poor soul's kids--
The holidays which aren't here yet are causing me anxiety--not where I can touch or excavate it but inside where it and creep and crawl--I have the where with all to take care of it financially but it just doesn't seem right--the spirit--has not gained one iota--of importance like it did when I was young--I have young in the family like grand kids what do they want--of course the things others want the most expensive clothes--the most expensive gadgets--and anything that someone else is going to get but trying to be one up--did we do that--? Can I hide behind age--or the fact that we were on a more human level--I know that I was that way about clothes--and I can probably say without doubt that the same was true about other things so that ends that--
November days--like today--is unbelievable it's so pretty out side--every thing is showing itself off--to perfection--and it's all going down hill--dwindling into the last days of the year--I was wishing I could go out and clean the perennial border--there are a few blossoms of the Ageratun--still hanging on--an owl was out last night --someone was using the bathroom when I "had" to go so I went outside and was tending to businessI don't even know what kind of owls we have here--but boy talk about eerie, almost blood curdling--it happened the other night also--this guy must be waiting for me when ever I come out--earlier in the afternoon--I was distressed to discover that my Christmas roses that had been flourishing so beautifully were not there--As some others had given up the ghost some time ago, I not going to have any Christmas roses this winter...well I take that back--I just went outside and I got all kinds of Christmas roses coming in--the guy I get to work around here blew off the walkway and what a surprise--they seem to be every where along the walkway--the leaves were so packed they were buried--anyway I was looking for them at night when I heard that silly owl--and it's horrible scream--so I was in a hurry--to get back in the safety of my bed---
I still linger on my wife's death--why is still in the running--and could it have been prevented--is still in there also--Missing her--even though I have doubts about her really loving me--that hurts--so I try not to dwell--just from things that happened near the end--words on her death bed have still left me a little concerned--staying the whole time with her and trying to be helpful just thinking being there might make a difference--but may not have--you never know--watching it happen to someone you love and have been with for 40 years is not pleasant even though you keep telling yourself she's better off--and without pain--never knowing she was in pain-- hurts--thinking she hid it--is even worse--being around the house--where we shared so much and so many of her things are still around--every step I take-a memory pops up--a thought comes to the surface--
It's getting close "the Holidays" I hate shopping at the last minute--I hate giving presents that may not be what a person wants--and they have to exchange--when I give a gift I want to be wanted , needed, or a big surprise--and if need be --they are so happy with it--they get to stay home--I think that is my goal --keeping people off the road--and at home--I believe the home is where the heart should be--everything you need and want should be there--a place where you can be as you are--in all your glory--what leads someone away from home--my guess would be boredom but restlessness would be close--where ever I am in my house --you have to walk through the kitchen--I'm not fat I just feel bloated all the time because whenever I go through the kitchen I feel a little snack is needed--so if I ever build another house in my next life --I plan on having the kitchen extra hard to get to...or maybe i want think about food so much---well getting back to Christmas or holidays--I plan on giving money--no gifts--just cold hard cash--will that help them in their lives don't know and don't care --I'll give and they can do as they please--maybe they need the extra cash don't know--my wife whose not here--was one to give it to them on the date specified --me I think I'll give it to them before Christmas maybe on the first of Dec. why--because then they might be able to have a better Christmas--or a more enjoyable one--who knows--but I'm going to tell them about it before and see their reactions--which will make my Christmas--with a little white lie--a small one--and then a surprise--on it to top it off
Here am I--4:15 morning--hadn't called it a day--just wondering around in my mind--like a kid playing with his toys--all are hidden until I bring them out--from their hiding places--some I want to remember others I try to put back where they belong--and they don't want to stay--so they hang around and try to jump back when they aren't needed or wanted--but most the ones I don't want to face--keep just barely bumping what's on my mind out of the way--and returning to haunt and bother-why I guess I'm supposed to fill guilty--why in heaven name do we as a people let things from the past hang out or around--do they hold some pain that we've caused others and that's where the guilt holds--I think it's better to forget the past let sleeping dogs lie--I sit here looking out the window dark out and I see my reflection--an old man now with memories--glasses--hearing aide that really doesn't amount to a hill of beans when I want to hear something--but I gotten use to what it does and doesn't do--at least I don't have to ask people to repeat--everything--feeling a little sorry for myself maybe I better go get a beer--and start signing Oh lonesome me--it's the season to be jolly--Eudora Welty--even throw in a little Will Rogers--and try to bring out the best in me--
this is an Agave -the picture taken outside of Lexington Ga. a friend sent it to me--amazing to me..to night it's about 24 degrees outside--the heater keeps coming on to remind me--got it set on 64 degrees but it still keeps breaking into my thoughts--trying to get me to close up shop for the night and go read--or try to sleep--I think what helped this plant grow is it's location--sort of on a drop off where it can get water but then it can be without water next to the curb--I went and got another beer--cold --I try to keep them in the freezer to keep them frosty--but when you forget one or two--well it makes life a little awkward when you have to explain your stupidity and I just don't do it anymore--I turn up the refrigerator and go with that--Thanksgiving is coming up--hoop-e do and then Christmas--when you get where I am in age and thoughts it way out of line--you start thinking what it really is all about--friends and where and how I live doesn't seem to change anything--I live way out--I have few friends--and family can barely stand me--why--domineering--control freak--and always putting my nose where it doesn't belong--kids have a tendency not to appreciate that when their in there thirties and forties--you get those looks that who do you think you are--asshole--well hell that's why I live where i do--and have few people who would want to call me friend--lonely-not while my mind still works and I don't have headaches--worry wort--always thinking the worst might happen--don't do that don't do this--who gives a big dirt ball--
I've had a few beers--decided I needed a break--so went out to stand an d meditate while I took care of the little business and look up through the clear cold night air at the stars--wow--you don't get to see it like it is now very often--I do cause where I live and I like to come out and enjoy the night-ness
I heard an owl sing out: I must admit that the song is not altogether musical, for it has yet another far more ascendant quality..There is something eerie about its cadence, something depressing about its unearthly sadness, which on a clear dark night makes one's flesh creep! In my brain I could take it for the despairing , quavering voice of a lost and wandering spirit---but it is a great stimulant to the imagination there can be no possible shadow of doubt.. I perhaps think of all manner of blood-curdling things which may be happening and the suggestive voice fits the case exactly; in fact, i might find myself wondering why I not sipping my pants up quickly and getting the hell back i the house...
Loading up on my morning coffee--sitting here wondering what the heck all my dogs are barking at--
only thing that comes to mind hunters--that time of year--sounds like a war zone--I can only imagine-
starting to turn cold--you have to realize when I say anything about cold or cooler I not suggesting a northern cold just southern style cold--cause you'd have a right to say he doesn't even know what cold is and you'd be right--cause that's why I living where I do--I like four seasons and I don't ski--snow board--or do anything that is in real cold weather--except view snow from a window--remember every body to his own thing--I love the out of doors--and can stay out in it forever but when it's cold and any where below 40 you can have and enjoy but if I'm with you--you can always wave and I will gladly respond--from the nearest window near the fireplace...and while you're you can know I'll be enjoying myself and talking about how brave a person you are and wow look at you in that stunning snow outfit..and what a good warm suit you must have on to be able to do all you're doing in the cold
outside--by the time you get back in you'll be a hero...Leaves have been falling and the rain we had a couple of days ago have pulled down more --the country is opening up--my vision is noticing things that all that leaf coverage wouldn't let me see--and wow I get to see all the junk my country residence seem to allow--the place where I burned all my trash--the old camper top I couldn't give away--all the old logs that were to hard to split--everything that I thought I might need or could use one day--which after 15 years hadn't arrived--old plastic flower pots--an old kindling pile so old if lightning struck within 50 yards would probably burn like crazy--not to mention old tires-old lawn furniture collected from someone who got new and let us have their old--going and getting the the effort needed to collect everything to go the dump takes a little more to organize than I have--but some times I do include dump trips--and a few of the eyesores disappear--and I always say--you that area sure looks better without that old so and so--until I look again some other day and can even remember what it was I took from there--I just cruise along as you can tell from my way of letting you know I'm not much just an older guy living out the rest of his life--and doing what ever it takes to survive--of course when I watch T.v> i get a little bit of the old hippy spirit back and start thinking I can make a difference still--ha--my latest--still trying to figure how in the hell we think we can take care of the worlds problems--we always got to stick our nose in other folks business--there's no anesthetic for the people in Washington to order destruction or killing, they have the media bias reports and the misleading language of technocratic bureaucracy to distance them from all the ill will--thus "mass destruction" becomes " the final solution", "world domination becomes "defending the free world or Globalization" --our war department becomes "Department of Defense" and" ecocide" becomes developing natural resources...anyone with political power in Washington can start this but first they have to lose site of reality--power--free reign--a public to busy to care or deafened by to much publicity or so involved in their own endeavors--all it takes is a strong ideology and heavy doses of rat ionization to be bounced all over T.V.--the cruel punishments seen on all media types like the blind leading the blind--where is this going to stop--who makes these decisions? We see and read reports of brutality --we shake our heads and say oh--man--and fall back into normality-- okay I'm not against our military --I love having a force that can protect us from forces trying to invade our shores---or for forces helping take care of our disasters-(natural)but I am against our soldiers that get involved in situations that they can't handle--from lack of whatever--secrets--ill gotten gain--greed--money--power--gas--and to hear about one more "American death from faulty logic --makes me want to rise up and raise hell...I rest my case--
Leaf season time again--people coming up here like crazy--cars from the city--cars from every where-- these curvy roads drive city people nuts wrecks every where--had to wait three hours for them to clear up the roads--when a wreck happens all the equipment needed takes up the whole road--you just have to sit it out waiting for the traffic to get going again--people come up here thinking they know how to drive--but don't realize these curves--are dangerous--especially when you try to press for time--just a little extra pressure on the gas pedal will put your life and others in danger--even people who have lived sphere all their lives take it easy--and if they don't they pay dearly--it is pretty up here when the leaves change and I see the attraction--but it's not worth what people have to pay that get in a rush or some kind of hurry--yesterday coming from somewhere I had to go--there was an accident--and it included children and adults--and even a baby--needless to say there were some headed for the hospital and yes a curve was involved--
Been trying to win the lottery--can seem to get the hang of it--feel stupid that I can't figure how to win--try and pick the right numbers but don't seem to have the right brain wave length to reach the source of the computer--
I've arrived at why I'm not liked very much--Mainly because I live where I do--but also my type of personality--even when I feel unthreatened I lie--the lies aren't very big lies they're lies where I feel invaded--by some outside source--or where I figure I want to build something up a little more than just mentioning it would hardly mean anything---some times it's just for fun--I'm a little more careful when it has to do with others--especially when it might hurt someone else--feelings or just them by causing them trouble---white lies--maybe--more like gray lies somewhere between white and black lies--my past I sort of glorify it--making me sound better than I really was in any given situation--maybe I'm not satisfied with myself--
Come on folks it ain't getting any better--the world look to me like it's sliding into disaster--every time I happen to watch the news--it's getting worst--whoever believes other wise--is in for a rude awakening--why are they're so many women in all the T.V. shows on news and sports--do they feel they need the coverage or do they feel it's they're time--what a time to be interested in getting into the limelight--after the men have fucked it up so--I look at these ladies wand the dresses are getting shorter and shorter--why for Gods sake--none of my business--right--I can worry about the maple outside my window--losing all it's leaves early--and why they are all spotted--O.K.--the ebola thing--whoever made the decision to bring that into our country should be sued--and run out of town on a rail--even--string him up--we have finally met5 our match--and I personally believe--we're going to pay big time--with a lot of lost lives--and for what someone's stupid mistake another one--and again why are we outside our country fighting again-we have no right --my friends inviting ourselves and our aggressive behavior--on others--we don't wait to be asked--we just enforce our selves on others--going for broke--at the cost of who cares--let's just do it--we have guns, money, and enough young folks and soldiers not doing anything lets get her done--it's getting to where we ourselves are within range--we aren't out of range folks like we use to be--example 9/11--so why can't we just relax --and enjoy ourselves--too much to lose -- yea --
As things are now--I can't seem to come with anything but what going on in the world--my thoughts on them and all the cruelty or problems...my brain does it usual scrambling --going from one topic to another--not stopping long enough to let the ground settle under my feet..
went into town yesterday--to do something that had to be done at the bank--could hardly get out of the truck--I was wearing rubber shoes cause there the easiest to slip on and off--but when I try to get out of truck they get caught in the door and since I can hardly pull my legs back towards me--they stick on the wall down at foot level--then I have to squirm and try to wiggle them loose----when I do I have to stand for a few minutes and get my balance back and prepare myself for the next challenge of walking with a cane into the bank--can't down in the bank chairs cause depending on how long it took I wouldn't be able to get going again--if I sit to long I get all stove up and can just barely get going again...we had an older person help us--she was good at what she was doing and didn't make many mistakes so it didn't take to long--we were in and out maybe in thirty minutes--with business taken care of...really don't care to leave home much anymore--the time it takes me to get ready is almost silly--brushing my teeth, and all the other things I have to prepare to do togo--it just seems useless--it takes me longer to get ready then it does to go do what has to be done---
Things are heating up for us folks in the U.S.--got a lot going on--almost to much as far as I'm concerned--all you have to do is sit down and watch a little news--and you get bored to death with all the trouble we're having to face because we want face up to our problems--the old saying take care of your stuff and them worry about other stuff--it just isn't going to happen--we're to caught up in news media crap all over the world--how about showing some pictures of what going on around here and lets take care of what we need to here...we want face up to the fact of what we need to do here...grandson came home sick from school--I get real nervous when there's sickness around the house cause I certainly don't want to catch it--but it seems no-matter how hard you try to keep things from spreading it happens--or it seems like I'm the only one worries about it in the proper way--like scared to death--and why it's because my grandson hasn't learned who and how to stay away from people who catch or have these diseases--as you get older you don't want diseases--the diarrhea, the sore throat,the having to get up and down,the coughing, and all the dreaded complications that come with it..oh--how I dread it--just thinking I got it to look forward to--shit--waiting is horrible...and you keep hoping you want get it and then--you just don't know...grandson just got back from the doctor--says he's got a sinus infection can't hardly talk--but at least he's walking around and talking and seems to be better off--he just came back in the room with no shirt on and no socks on--it's not terribly cold but it's not warm either--and he just came from the doctor's well good luck to me--and me not catching it--with the way he's walking around...
Old is not all that it's cracked up to be--so if you're young take it to heart--and start preparing now--do whatever you can to do--soft things where your body will be able to in the future show so much wear and tear---cause it will come back to you---then--I know cause I'm there now...I've treated my body like it was dirt--digging holes, back breaking things done in a careless way--and boy do I feel it now--
I have always got to have breakfast--why I want it--and no-one has to fix for me--I can do it myself if you must know--it pretty much consists of the same thing--usually grits--bacon or mild sausage--toast with Blackberry preserves,or strawberry preserves, a small bowl of Greek yogurt,(Atlanta Diaries)and some times I go for waffle and /or pancakes with bacon or sausage--when I full from the day before--all I can handle is cereal--and last but not least--Martinez coffee--1 and 1/2 cups will do me thank you and they don't even have to be full cups...I'm and never have been one to experiment with cooking or like experimenting in food tastes--I got my mind set on what I like in cooking and arrange what I do --around eating quickly--using the bathroom and getting started on what I want to do that day...
I have been thinking which in my case is always dangerous
Wrote a friend today an old friend that hadn't heard from me in a while--like years maybe--15 years--maybe even more--it's been so long that he might not want to contact me--but i gave the old college try anyway--it's was asking him a favor--he's in business--and it would be right up his alley--I e-mailed him--and it will be interesting to see what comes of it--will see (to be continued)
Well today I'm sitting here drinking my second cup of coffee--at an early hour getting monthly bills taken care of--and thinking--can anyone write down what their thinking as fast as they can think--is that what rappers do--sing as fast as they can think...subjects--like before I came in here and sat down--I got my coffee and a hotdog bun from the counter--and wolfed it down..I just took two aspirin
and didn't want to take them alone--even they were the coated ones--paying bills online makes me feel so incomplete--like no paper work--I guess that's what it's all about though--so I do it--daughter left at 5:45 to take kids to school bus--and what a waste--How in the hell people think kids should catch a bus at that time in the morning--i'll never know--but we live where we live--and should expect it when you live so far away from the school--about thirty minutes away--we got this new cat from the animal shelter--only one cat--and he's quite a mess--jumping and chasing the dogs--they all try to stay as far away as they possibly can...he's like very demanding of their time and energy...he got outside the other day and they charged him(the outside dogs did) but they soon learned to regret it--cause he did not run he stood his ground and gave out some tough shot at some dog noses with his claws--and one of our biggest dogs some kind of Australian thing got popped really good and he doesn't run at the cat any more--he sort of saunters up and just hangs around waiting for the others to start the ball rolling--which they don't do--until the cat gets tired of sitting around and then attacks one of them-- and that's when they scatter--and run for cover...reading a cowboy book by Gordon D. Shirreffs--pretty good story teller..
Really liking my solitude--staying at home alone doing whatever needs to be done--got up early 5:30 and started a load of clothes--fed the dogs and had my first cup of coffee--got the book that I'm going to concentrate on today-been having some trouble with my eye lately but soaking it with boric acid and keeping it clean...itching--light just coming over the tree tops--got some openings in the canopy over the house where the sky shows through...
As one gets older--the things that were so easy become more shall I say challenging--because whatever it is pushes the hell out of patience--got up this morning thinking I'd take a shower--while every body else was asleep--deciding I wouldn't hurry--just a nice slow warm or cool shower--at my pleasure--first I'd found my place in the shower without a change of clothes--and since I was already in the shower--I realized I didn't have my soap I used and I didn't even have a wash towel--so instead of finishing the shower I got out rapped a towel around myself and collected all of the items I was going to need--as I went to the bedroom--I got some change of underwear and started back to the bathroom--but before getting there one of my grandkids beat me to it--and said she be right out...she was--and I returned--everything was uneventful until I got out--I'm limited in my movements--especially bending over--drying off has it's complications and so usually my feet and lower legs don't get completely dry--so when I putting on my undergarments--they don't slid right on--they get hung up from the wet--now I've tried the best I can to dry all the way down...well this morning you might say I got a little frustrated--and ended up with both legs in one legs of the underwear--now when I get hot and bothered--I cuss--not adult behavior I do understand--but well to make a long story short--that's where I'll leave this story--cause from here on out there were far and few between spots where cussing didn't dominate the entire scene...but as you can tell by me writing about it--I living and well-and possibly a little more intelligent..from the earlier experience...
I have lately been thinking about things not in order--but randomly by letting my mind go--the things that flow through are endless--how can anyone slow their brainwork's down enough to pick out what to think about--even just sitting down to slowly think about anything--the mind goes from one subject to another so fast--it becomes complicated just to try and grab the subject and make the brain slow down to at least hold on to whatever it is---can't be done--I bet since I got up and set on the side of my bed--I must have gone over a thousand things..rambling...cutting one subject into another...winding myself up like a clock...and then full speed ahead..I mean one subject after another flowing towards nothing--unless enlightenment is my goal--by bringing it back up and sometimes the subject is something that I must have covered a zillion times before but never made any kind of conclusion on that particular subject...I guess you could say some of the subject covered bad topics and some good topics that were in my past or subjects that might be coming up in my future..I am honestly trying to slow my thought process down to the point --I don't know if it's a fine point or not but---I the one to say--and as far as I'm concerned it will be to a fine point--where I can stop whatever the subject is to then grab it and hold on to it so I can solve it and get rid of it in a way where it want come back up again--in other words it is resolved..it just started raining outside..drops are falling off the leaves by my window--I sort of want to hear it but want get off my butt to open a window...so I can...
You may think your secret desires make you a freak, then you get on the internet and find community and acceptance...
When a person sees himself as the mouthpiece or partner of God there is no limit to the possibilities of arrogating to one's self power over others...
Circular thoughts usually slide into obsession
It had never occurred to me that I would be in a situation where no sacrifice would be necessary...
Nothing that is without rhyme or reason can hold the attention for long...
I'm in the midst of thinking where I am--and what to do about it--old--first off and have children--step children and my own children--makes it sound like they are running around in their diapers--but that is not the case--old enough to know better-is the way I look at it--my wife and I lived over a number of years together and now as my life closes I have to make some choices--it all has to do with money... and how to distribute it---it doesn't really matter how much it is--but it does matter how I decide to put it out and to whom--I had a conversation with one of the children the other day--some words were said that didn't make me think to highly of what was said---have I worried about it--have I done anything about it--only to take that person--off my Skype account--not wanting to here from the individual anymore...can I let it go--the old saying-- out of site out of mind--might be a good one where this is concerned--I still drop back into it every so often--making comments--and saying what I didn't say in the conversation--like one up man ship--it lingers--and accounts for some of my day--not in a happy sense--but one that makes me think in order to give this person anything--I would have to have it watched and handed out piece meal---but who would want the chore and I assure you it would be a chore--or do you just give and say the hell with it--something to think about or just let it go--are you protecting him or being mean spirited--all indications from past experience have not be in the favor of this individual--but can I or do I have the right--to put it on someone else--especially his brothers or sister--even allowing for their own problems--which there were--and they were all similar..growing up in the sixties and seventies where everyone was going through their own growth spurts in all kinds of direction...but I believe some of us came out of it--and some stayed a little behind--but who's to criticize and be God--right--it all boils down to me and how can it be done for the benefit of the others and how can it be extended to last them for as long as possible--or is that even any of my business--cause I want be here--and should I care--well I do now--
Today is Sunday and there may never be another like it--I use to think it was a day of rest--one where time was your own--where the cattle roamed and the earth didn't exactly stand still or at attention--but it gave one the feeling all was well--and as I lounged in the comfort of being a couch potato--I was what I thought I ought to be--existing--a day of rest but for me it started out that way--breakfast toast-grits-and mild sausage with an excellent cup of coffee-from somewhere else--and all of it was made by someone else all I had to do was go sit down at the table..yee haw--of course i drank to much coffee under such good circumstances--and got the damn jitters---not exactly what I had in mind or needed as the day progressed--a step- son was coming up for a visit without letting me know just going to drive up for some reason--never was one of my favorites-because when he was like his mother nice guy--but when when he became to much like meI couldn't stand the rendition or the likeness that prevailed…
You know when let's say you're going to get fired from a job; the guy they send to talk to you can be an S.O.B. or a good guy--but when you realize where the conversation is going your heart speeds up --your blood pressure skyrockets, and your hands get jittery causing all your thoughts to become less than reassuring--sort of making you think --I'd rather be anyplace but here--shakey all over--nervous--irritable--and it's not all the coffee's fault--the step-sonis not all to blame--I did my part I'm sure--in moments that looking back on it I've regretted--but I think we both pushed when it was in the shove mode--and me being (the mature one) ended up not holding to the reigns to tightly--because of the mother's lode--she thought the sun and moon set in him--that I'm sure didn't help matters--jealous--who knows--this is emotional enough --without me having to feel all the blame and weights that go along with the feelings--it's not all still there but some of the feelings still surface especially if I go over the shitty parts...
Passing what ails you--hard to do but it's got to be done for the next in line to be who they gotta be--even if they make mistakes--it what got you where you are--today--you did some stupid stuff--and you know sometimes I wonder--how the hell I made it--but watching my kids take over it 's not all that bad except when I have to think about stepping back in--but guess what I don't I don't even make wise cracks any more--some times watching hurts like hell--when I see the thought process go by the wayside--or someone make a mistake that--hurts someone else in the family--I might step in then to placate the situation but usually I let it ride--I still shed tears or let the dam break when I feel to deeply but hey the tears are way different --because I didn't make the mistake that caused the trouble for the other person…but letting them face up to it and watch what goes on--piece of cake--but to realize they are trying to work things out in their own way like I'm not here--priceless--don't think I just sit around and don't respond cause I do and biting my tongue I do in private--this is something I've had to face ever since I lost the love of my life--letting go a little at a time--and what a difference it makes in the way you look at your life--I'm not really a chicken--but sometimes when I face up to what I have to confront now --it seems like to much trouble--what's the difference--if I do this or that --it doesn't matter to anyone but me--never have been a big sharer--sort of like live and let live--that's why I live way out in the country--
Out of all the stuff I could have for breakfast--what is it I want--I thought of waffles--I thought of eggs and bacon, toast, grits, and a good cup of coffee…which reminds me of when a long time ago--I was in Daytona and was out visiting book stores and in one I found this wild big thick book on coffee--the price at the time was a little beyond what I had--but I really wanted this book--of course I thought about removing it under other circumstances…but I chickened out-- you know like stealing it--but better sense prevailed--so I thought I'd get it later--but never did--I digress--back to breakfast--anyway because it take less time or because I needed food immediately I decided on oatmeal--like some kind of horse--I needed a feed bag..anyway I thought I would go fix me my oatmeal that's where I am now…we need to reload on our memories folks to remember how good we have it--and we're just letting it all go to waste...
You take what's been added to your life --I'm talking about all the things you been brought up through--in some way they were added to you--words--incidents--that included you--something stuck--an addition--or a part of you--a little something stayed with you some part or particle stayed with you…it didn't grow--then other parts of thing you were involved with came and stayed--a compilation--or storage started--memories--growth--thoughts--words--deeds done--categories--started filling up those vacant spaces--placements and where each article of importance should go--what was important and where should it be kept--was it important--who decided-- what was important to me when I was to young to decide what was important to me--did I have a value system in place at birth--when did my own ideas start growing--how was I to know which should be kept and which weren't worth their value--or did they just keep piling up one on top of the other--I looked harmful enough--I was just a kid growing up..my grandmother raised me--she worked at Davidson's by God--what could go wrong--we lived near Georgia Tech--just off Honeycutt Street--we used to have go cart races--there were a lot of kids in the neighborhood--were times right--how would someone like me know--look at me--my god hen you're small-- what the hell--I see some of the kids in the world now--all those stupid pictures on T.V. mother's holding their children--being chased--being bombed--being whatever--my God and people are letting it go on--I say people "we"are letting it go on--I see this on news cast--on early news and late news--and I wonder--I know there are reasons--I know of all the excuses that can and will be used for what is happening--but for heaven sakes--how can words describe what is going on--where are the feelings in human beings now---have we lost touch--are we living so good we can neglect our responsibilities--to whom or what--I'm confused--even a little disturbed--it takes me back to when I was young--my mind must be playing tricks on me--how far we've come--or how far back we've become--bassackwards-
We have to go to the parts of ourselves that we have barely felt, that we barely know or remember…things that have been hidden for a long time--and usually came to the surface--only when we were in deep do-do--or when we were so insecure we wanted to sit right down and cry--you realize don't you how that must feel--pain and fear--are they cousins of ours or what--Damned for a do-nothing--only one of those do nothing individuals who played in eternity by gnawing, biting, snapping, gnashing; a showoff--a weakling--worthless crawling creature man spoke with forked tongue…men who talk a good game--men who don't walk the walk--and get lost in their own rhetoric...
Nervous Constitution
Does the intensity of today's way of living wear on your nerves…
A man and a woman who are "true" to each other are boundless traveling together on life's paths--they have feel-- their relationship to each other..they also have a relationship which develops as their love grows--with others--their functions reactions, shared, they become one----hey -life is intense--why is it you do certain things you don't want to do--money has a big part in life--if for instant you were born with a platinum spoon in your mouth--or every penny counted from day one in your family--I've always wanted to say things that guided people to themselves " why" it's fun to see people acting real--are they sick--mentally some in the old days were probably considered mad--weird-nerds-security--+ means comfort--all untamed natural red blooded Americans want it--what does it mean--is there always a meaning--like deeper experiences--what ever it costs it's the best part of primitive living--it's the finger pointing to a life filled with excitement--including danger, adventure, leading to a higher level in good culture…How do I come up with any of this--I'm like a mad rapper with pen and ink--reaching out with what's on my mind--a running creative manuscript running amuck--the chaotic endeavors going on in a life---inner "Maturity" it carries a big stick each step-toward it-- mounting upward--taking with it-to a higher personal creative level--all are looking for the best self--and if surroundings allow--the true way of living--then hidden talents turn into the positive-- driving him around in his own private jet…he finds--the energy needed to clear and deepen the search for his truth---normal usually means astray--Life's fulfillments don't come with the tooth fairy--it comes--with the power of darkness which becomes power in and of life--does one suffer for a fuller life--subtle--involving unconscious capacities--to uncover let loose- to be creative--leaving only to mind consciously our unconscious forces--to help us to replace our warring civilization by a real culture--a world culture...
What I am going to do is write what ever comes to my mind maybe it will explain me--or help you do the same--to explain you --who knows but I hope sincerely you get something out of it to help you embrace whatever you have to face in your daily lives--because it isn't getting any better--and as far asI can tell we're all going to need all the help we can muster…
We have inherited a plentiful amount of mental wealth,--but almost nothing of those truths, and myths and symbols from which they come, which are the basis for responsible choice…
We have come face to face with the inevitable--at this point more than any other man stands at the point where he can be present at the birth of a new world or can preside at the destruction of humanity itself…
Sometimes you have to take the fat with the lean…
When the wolf walks boldly among men its well to know the reason why…
Pluck a preening peacock and he looks much the same as any other bird…
The thinner the ice the faster you have to cross it…
Where there is a obsession, we can assume some equivalent repression…Rollo May
Dogs always get tired of roaming and sooner or later they all come home
Everything changes with time…
Blood is not without its own importance…
You meet opportunity on her own ground…
Cold thoughts are hard to catch...
One starts out with grand ambitions but one finds out one has an almost infinite capacity for getting rid of them...
Why lie when the truth accomplishes the purpose...
Impatience has it's weaknesses…
There is only one main plot: things aren't what they seem…Jim Thompson
Look people--Just grab what's on the table...
Control and accountability are the watch words of the day...
Nothing more grateful than a secret lover---right...
They can't subpoena what's not written down...
I've always had an unlimited imagination...
I come in peace---
I've got to many friends with misplaced priorities…
Some times is just best to give into nature --you know like all of it's excess--
Don't be so male...
I've got all these possibilities and none of the consequences...
When in doubt --be kind--
You can drive yourself nuts trying to achieve perfect security...
I watch the news I haven't watched the news in so long that I needed a good joke--so I decided to just watch the news--actually I was channel surfacing looking for anything that could hold my attention for more than three seconds--but couldn't find anything worth watching--so I happen to pause on that news show with a guy named Shepherd--could be wrong--on the name--but he sounded like he was forcing questions down someone's throat--that was holding back on being honest and was trying to cloud the issue--with protective bullshit--folks this is where we've all miss the boat--words are not for clouding any issue they are for understanding what is happening--truly--if we keep letting words be so meaningless what's the alternative--grunt and groans--you know like when you get gratification in bed--anyway he's so-- close-- what is news for--yellow journalism--haven't we learned enough about it--can we see the forest for the trees--it's like we're still letting the blind lead us--politicians--where have they ever got us--pigpens--slog hollow--crap--they are the worst--instigators of the false side of our living---they are lost in their own egos--they care for nothing except the next biggie that will enhance they're careers..like every one else they're out for "the big bucks"-- the comfort--the easy life--if you don't know this isn't truth--maybe we're talking about the next "Christ" but in getting back to reality--I don't think so…the only way that can happen is if everybody found the Christ that is in all of us--waiting for something to bring it out in us..which come to think on it-- this--thing at Emory just might do the trick..a lot of death can change a lot of minds in a hurry when it creeps and them jumps by leaps and bounds..amen
All I know is how I feel --in any situation I'm in…other than that all comes from the outside--to bother me--it crowds, it pushes, it forces, how smart is man --the one thing he can't come up with --which would make him smartest of all--he hasn't done--what is it--getting out from under the burden of having to work--I'm not talking about being lazy, or lax--each of us has his or her own --ways and means--engrained--what he's hidden are the ways--to get to it--all that goes on in this world--how anyone can keep a straight mind--I can't solve--I am not anyone's keeper--maybe my dogs and my one cat--who seem to know what buttons to push and when--but otherwise--I'm only struggling like everyone else--what gets me is a country loaded with gas--who pays --it's people to live--they walk around in expensive bed sheets--having and leading the good life--whereas we work our collective butts off--and have headaches--backaches--and accept all the problems of the whole world, get involved--and have to withdraw--but then we have to rebuild all we went in there to take care of--interesting and stupid--we build up what we destroyed and at home--we don't even take care of what we've got--can you imagine what would happen if we stopped all this warring and being involved with all the problems of everybody else and took care of our own business--and actually kept our nose out of everybody else's --in other words kept our nose to the grind stone here at home and let the world cool down at it's own pace..just to see if others could or would handle their own affairs--
Now about this problem in Africa--and it is and will be problem in the U.S. now--no matter what every body thinks about Emory--there's no way it ain't gonna creep out--I have lived in Atlanta all my life---I worked around the areas of Emory--I worked for some of the Doctor's at the CDC and they aren't any different than the rest of us--matter of fact some have their minds so caught up in what they're doing they don't seem to care about any thing else which makes them kind of dumb in ways of the world--we're not; as I have said many times before the world's keeper--and now we've done it--we brought our own destruction on our selves--we are not smart--we are not dumb--but somewhere in between and we have to watch ourselves…of course--I feel for the folks--that went to Africa--as a humanitarian effort--I'm sure they knew the risk--hey what can I say--you want it plain and simple--they knew the risk---and yet (we) who we is that can make decisions that will effect the whole of these U.S. is beyond me--we need to re-evaluate who's making and who can make these sort of decisions---fluids---they make their own escape--they find their own ways and means of getting where they're bound to go--carelessness--we are not the best at taking care of minor business (the kind not affecting money matters)--we've become more in tune to dumping, getting rid of what we don't want by lax and the easiest possible way--our comfort--our selfishness--have become rules of engagement during our daily lives and code of conduct--believe me we haven't seen the last of this mess… sorry--but T.V. and all the other organizations that are trying to cover the importance up by saying it isn't so--just don't worry yourselves we got it covered--remember this is a government thing--and how much can you get mustered up for our government lately-- in all it's been committed too…yea get out shit scrappers--cause it about to hit the fan…get back with you on this one+++
We live where we live because we were born here--people--can't always be from the best of places because--they are not born with any thought in mind--sex--is thought that originates below the belt --does that say anything about it--I would think so--but the parties involved--how did this sex that brought forth a human form evolve--was it good--was it worth it--was there a relevancy--what--planned pregnancy--should it be--for anyone who-wants-it--laxity--rules and regulations--rubbers--education-- feelings be damn--squirm and the worm--how many things do we have to put in the way of other things to show people that's it's not worth it--smoking--drinking--screwing--lying--not facing reality--letting the blame fall on others--
